Growing Up Good
by Morris Mandarino
What does it mean to be and become an adult? Does this suddenly happen overnight? Is there a defined process? The Oxford dictionary defines an adult as a “developed or fully grown person.” This might happen, as we know, before or after the legal age of majority. We are also using the verb ‘adulting’ (to act and behave like a developed or fully grown person) a lot more these days which signifies (to me, at least) that the transition to adulthood implies a societal expectation of responsibility, accountability and maturity. In fact, in all cultures throughout history we see that becoming an adult involves observing strict rituals, ceremony and rites of passage. In this sense adulthood is cultivated through action, community and effort.
As we are approaching the time to celebrate Seijinshiki (coming of age) here in Japan, I wonder about this curious concept of ‘adulthood’. As an educator and a parent, I often think about my own kids (I have two young, amazing and challenging girls) developing into adults. What kind of adults will they become? How do I envisage them behaving, thinking, interacting, being? I wonder if other parents who are reading this, have or have had similar thoughts? For me, I would love my children to become; responsible, kind, caring, independent, resilient, balanced, assertive and considerate. Are your children developing these qualities or the qualities you envisage? Have your children who have become adults acquired (some of) these qualities? Do you, people who are becoming adults, recognise some of these qualities within you? If not, it is ok. All is not lost. Remember that this time of transition into adulthood is a time to grow and learn. There is still plenty of time for your children and even yourselves to figure things out. It is not quick and it is not easy. There is no one perfect path nor one perfect outcome. However, it is essential that young adults and individuals in general have the space and support to discover their best self.
When I became a legal adult many moons ago, I was suddenly met with a world of difference. I could vote, I could legally drink alcohol, I had my own medical card, I could legitimately enter establishments like casinos, bars, pubs and clubs and I could also drive a car. Freedom! Whilst this was fun, it did present some challenges. I needed more money for such fun and freedom. I needed to take better care of my stuff and I had to figure out ways to clash less with my parents. In retrospect, I realise now what skills I was in need of. I’d like to share these with you and perhaps they can help you avoid any unnecessary difficulties:
1. Financial competency. Know the value of money and more importantly know your own value. In order to become independent, you first need to be stable. Time, like money, is a resource that allows you to do the things you want to do.
2. Time management. Unfortunately, time is the only resource in the world that does not replenish. I realize there are so many things you have to do and little time to do it. So do what you need to do in a way that is effective and fluid. It is not helpful to fight against these necessary tasks by postponing or giving yourself reasons why they shouldn’t be important. Understanding and accepting them is responsibility.
3. Better communication. As you get older, relationships become so much more important, not just to socialize, but also for work and for self-fulfillment. One of the most important relationships you will ever have is with your parents. Work to forge a closer relationship with your parents and avoid unnecessary conflict. Simple, but certainly not easy. Trust me, though. It is worth it.
New ‘adults’, and the parents of new adults, I wish you all the very best during this special time and hope you are able to support each other in forging stronger, closer and better relationships.
Growing up is inevitable. How you do it…well, that’s up to you.
Regardless of our best efforts and intentions, adolescence can be a challenging time. If you are an adolescent or the parent of an adolescent and need someone to talk to, talk to us on the Lifeline by phone 0800-300-8355 or Chat (https://telljp.com/lifeline/). We are here to listen and support you.If you would like to know more at your school about how the Lifeline can help, please reach out (https://telljp.com/school-awareness/)