Perspectives
Shifting perspective is a concept we hear about often in this profession. We utilize this approach to increase our understanding, adaptability, empathy, growth, and reduce bias. I like to think of it as shining a light in different places that might be shadowed, the darker corners we are not seeing.
I invite you to shift your perspective to the life of a person serving in the military. The first word that comes to my mind is autonomy. In its basic form, autonomy is an individual’s freedom from external control. It seems impossible for anyone to act with complete autonomy since most of us are part of a larger system and make decisions based on the beliefs and values of this larger system, according to an ecological perspective. So, what does this mean for military members? From my perspective, when a person joins the military, a system with strict beliefs, rules, and ideas, they sacrifice a large part of their autonomy. I have witnessed and experienced it personally.
I have seen military members adjust to military life in a variety of ways and likewise, join the military, respond to, and leave for a variety of reasons. While there are many intersecting factors, one of these I view as highly influential is attachment style. An individual’s attachment style appears to impact a person’s ability to adjust to these changes and maintain a sense of autonomy when a person joins this larger system. According to The Attachment Project (https://www.attachmentproject.com), adults with a secure attachment style have a more positive view of themselves, of others, and their childhood. It makes sense that they would feel secure in their autonomy, even though they are part of a system with strict rules. In my opinion, the reason a person joins the military is not always related to their attachment style, but rather the individual’s overall view of their well-being and happiness with whatever choice they make seems satisfying when the person exhibits a secure attachment style versus one of the insecure types (anxious, avoidant or dismissive).
Let us look at those insecure attachments for a moment and shine a light on the origin of what has happened to many military members: childhood trauma. I heard many different reasons from people as to why they joined the military: citizenship, career, stability, benefits, etc. I have heard all these reasons summed up into, “I needed to get away.” This could look like several things in childhood, such as parentification (role reversal of parent and child during childhood), kids who were taught that asking for help was a sign of weakness, or their caregiver sent the message that they were on their own. What this individual did not know is that they left a life they had little control over in the hope of something better and joined a system that denies most autonomy. I see some military members start their career out of desperation for a better life, seeking control, stability, and freedom from trauma. Military members are told how to cut their hair, what to wear, where to live, when they will move, etc. I view the urge for autonomy and need to control everything in their life as a child saying, “I want stability and safety.” This may be very difficult to achieve in a military system, with a mission driven toward warfighting, and considering peacetime does not mean the absence of conflict for military members.
I see this struggle in military members and their families manifest as over-achieving, refusing to ask for help, guardedness in relationships, reluctance to share personal information, mistrust of other people, few close or long-term relationships, stress/burnout, and dislike of “neediness” (Marschall, 2024). This set of behaviors is also defined as hyper-independence and refers to an individual’s attempts to be fully independent even when it is not helpful or when they genuinely need help or support from others (Marschall, 2024). Among several reasons rooted in childhood trauma, hyper-independence is also a coping mechanism, a response to regain a sense of control when it feels like their life moves without any ability to control what is happening. This sounds like many of the military members and their families I have met, as well as my own experiences in the military and as a military spouse.
The number of positive experiences military members and their families receive by serving in the military is wonderful; it is a job with some of the best benefits, and there is another truth. This job comes at a great cost. Military members and their families deserve our compassion, understanding, and appreciation. Will you shine a light on a new perspective?
References
Marschall, A. (2024, July 19). Hyper-Independence and Trauma: What’s the Connection? Very Well Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/hyper-independence-and-trauma-5524773