Almost everyone thinks they are a good listener, but really listening well takes practice and skill. Some things that might be worth considering to help us be better listeners could be the following non exhaustive list.
Be Present:
Try to make sure your conversation is happening at a time when you truly have time. Bring your focus to the conversation as far as possible and be engaged.
Minimise distractions
Think about things that you need to reduce distractions and help you focus. Reduce the chance of interruptions, by putting your phone out of sight or muting notifications for the period of the conversation. If possible, removing other demands on your attention, such as work, family obligations or the needs of pets etc may also be helpful. Being transparent with your conversation partner at the beginning in situations where your time is limited may help manage expectations and give the other person a choice whether they want to start this conversation now or would prefer to wait until there is more time available and they don’t feel pressured or limited.
Use active listening techniques
Pay close attention to what is being said, (and maybe also what is not being said!). Focus also on the person’s body language, voice tone etc as these can also give you more information about how they are feeling. Reflect and rephrase what you are hearing at times to show that you are engaged. Ask clarifying questions as needed, and you could even summarise what you have heard to try to ensure you both have the same understanding of the conversation.
Clarify Expectations
Sometimes it can be really helpful to discuss or confirm what the person you are talking to is looking for or expecting from a conversation. There are times when they just want to be heard. Other times, they might want to hear another perspective, or about possible options or solutions. Sometimes they may not even know before starting talking and that’s okay too. Clarifying what the goals are for the conversation can help the person feel heard, make the conversation feel more useful, and avoid misunderstandings.
Avoid forced positivity
Something to generally avoid, (but particularly if the person you are talking to is feeling down or angry), is trying to force them to see things in a positive light. When someone is trusting you, being open with their true feelings and experiences, trying to find a silver lining for them or make it better will almost always have the effect of ending the conversation and shutting things down. Generally, what the speaker wants is to be heard and feel accepted. You cannot make it better for them by telling them “At least XYZ didn’t happen” or “It could have been so much worse”, or anything that ends up minimising the pain or emotions the speaker has shared with you. Often our reasons for making these statements are coming from good intentions but pretty much always have the effect of minimising the speaker’s feelings, making them feel shut down, ashamed, a burden or just unheard and more alone.
Avoid making promises that you cannot guarantee or live up to
When someone is telling us about painful things in their lives, or situations that they are finding difficult, we can often feel responsible or like we want to make the situation better for them somehow. One way we go about this can be making promises we cannot necessarily keep or live up to. For example, telling someone that you are there for them 24/7 is not a reasonable or realistic expectation for most people. Assuring them that “things will get better” is usually something we say because we “want” things to be better for them, but can come across like a shiny platitude. It’s not real. Things might get worse.
We can instead try to change the way we express these sentiments. For example, “I really hope things will get better” or “That sounds like a really lonely place to be. I’m so glad you felt able to talk to me.” Depending on what the person is hoping for from the conversation, you might also find space to talk about options going forwards or additional support that may be available.
Giving Space and Silence
Conversations can sometimes feel like a game of tennis. As soon as one person stops talking, someone else needs to start so that we are not left sitting in “awkward” silence. This flow can happen naturally – we might feel excited to share our thoughts or experiences and want to contribute to the conversation. But we might also feel like we need to fill the space in case it gets uncomfortable or the other person is left feeling like we weren’t listening or that we don’t care about what they said.
Silence doesn’t have to be uncomfortable though. Rather than diving straight in and changing the topic or focus of the conversation, giving some space can be really positive for the conversation and our connection overall. Our silence may give the other person permission to continue talking, sharing their thoughts further. The conversation might go to a deeper place. Maybe they were pausing to take a breath, to see how we are reacting to what they are saying, or to check in with their own feelings.
By taking a beat before speaking, we can also convey that we are not in a rush, that we are comfortable to sit with the topic of conversation, that we are engaged and taking the conversation seriously and want to gather our thoughts before jumping in.
A break in the immediate flow of the conversation can really change the dynamic of a conversation – try not to be scared of some silence!
Also, avoiding interrupting while someone is talking can really demonstrate that you are giving them the space they need to express themselves. We might feel we need to correct something, justify our actions, or just make a point, but listening until the other person has finished their point or there is a break in the conversation can help the conversation overall and show we are really listening.
Empathy
Sometimes in conversation, we want to show that we care and that we’re not judging. We might feel compelled to say “I understand”, or “I’ve been through the same thing, I get it”. As much as we are wanting to show our empathy, these statements can have the effect of shutting down the conversation, as they shift focus from the speaker and their feelings and experience, to the listener. This can also have the effect of leaving the speaker feeling frustrated – “What do you mean, you understand?” or “Oh, okay, they think I’ve talked about this enough – I guess I’m making them bored/uncomfortable/annoyed”.
Try to keep the focus on the speaker rather than bringing it to yourself, acknowledge their emotions and experience
Questions
Questions can be really helpful in exploring what is going on for someone and helping us get closer to understanding someone’s experiences. Sometimes, they can also be beneficial in helping people see different perspectives or even options. But too many questions can leave the conversation feeling like an interrogation. Do we really need to know all the details of what someone went through to be able to support them? There are often things that we may be curious about but we need to respect boundaries and be sensitive and respectful. Some questions can also come across as judgmental, especially “why” questions. Rather than an innocuous exploration of a situation, why questions can sound like you are asking the person to justify their behaviour, thoughts or feelings. Finding another way to word why questions can help it feel less like an attack or a space where you are examining motivations/actions.
Dropping ego
To be a good listener we need to let go of the idea that we have all the answers and the power to always make things better. Being willing to be present, to sit with the person in what they are going with, without expectation, is giving them a lot. Many of us think, well , just listening doesn’t change anything or what was the point, but expressing feelings, being accepted and heard can be incredibly powerful and cathartic. If someone is talking about serious or long term issues, then one conversation is unlikely to resolve the problem – if it was that easy, then chances are the person would not be carrying it so heavily. But this conversation, or series of conversation, can have a real impact and be an incredibly special gift you give someone. Take the pressure off your shoulders to have all the answers and just try to be there – it is not easy but is a key component of being a good listener.
Be open
To be a good listener, we need to be willing to be open. Open to the topics,feelings and actions other people might be bringing to the conversation. We also need to be self reflective. To be willing to look at the topics or emotions that are not comfortable for us. To be willing to say when we feel out of our depth. To set a boundary when things are too much or we are not able to be there for someone else because things are too close to us, we are overwhelmed, or we just don’t have the capacity right now. Trying to ensure we are not leaving the other person high and dry, helping them find other resources or options is ideal when we cannot or do not want to be there.
Non-verbal communication
Paying attention to what is being said, but also how it is being said can be a big part of listening. Someone’s tone, posture, expression, and eye contact may tell us a lot about how they are feeling. Also, bearing in mind that we all have individual levels of comfort with eye contact and personal space can be important. Some people prefer to be able to see the other person and maintain eye contact when talking. For other people, or when talking about some topics, it may be easier if the conversation doesn;t take place face to face, or in a situation where there is limited eye contact, for example, talking while you are both walking or driving.