Last year, in honor of Domestic Violence Awareness month, I shared my story for family and friends who suspect that a loved one might be in a domestic violence abusive relationship. https://telljp.com/domestic-violence-myths
Same disclaimer as before, this article is based on a true story with some names and details changed to protect the innocent and the guilty.
When my niece was at the courthouse filing the paperwork for a temporary restraining order against her abusive fiancé, she called me to check in. “Maybe he just needs an anger management class,” she said. Fortunately, I had the Weiss book (see below) as a resource. I took a deep breath and said, “the research tells us that domestic violence is not about losing control. It is an intentional campaign for control. For example, your fiancé has a terrible relationship with his parents and his brother. But he never “loses control” and gets violent with any of them. He has a terrible relationship with his business partner, but he never loses control and punches his partner. He gets upset with the Starbucks barista but never loses his temper with strangers or even yells at them. The circle of control (https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/) covers all the different tactics that a DV abuser uses in order to exert control. The research shows that it is not a loss of control. It is the intentional, purposeful and ongoing campaign … for control.”
Myth #4: Abusers are triggered/provoked by something that the victim did.
Myth Busting #4: The purpose of an abuser’s campaign is to control the relationship. It is an ongoing pattern of psychological abuse. Domestic violence is usually part of a deliberate campaign to control, isolate, intimidate, and humiliate the victim. Abuse of any kind is never the victim’s fault, regardless of their behaviour. There are always other ways to handle a situation without resorting to abuse. Responsibility always lies with the perpetrator and with them alone.
If you suspect that someone you care about is being abused, here is a book that helped educate me about my family situation. Resources:
- “Family and Friends’ Guide to Domestic Violence: How to Listen, Talk and Take Action When Someone You Care About is Being Abused” by Elaine Weiss, Ed.D
- Also, please call or chat with TELL’s Lifeline. You do not have to be alone. We are here to listen. https://telljp.com/lifeline/
- For more information about signs, how to support someone, resources and safety plans please visit our resource page https://telljp.com/resources/domestic-violence-abuse/